Talv 2

Täna oli väga kaunis ilm. Võtsin Henry kaasa ja
läksin õue. Henry riidesse aitamine on kogu asja juures kõige väsitavam. Ta ei püsi paigal ja on lihtsalt võimatu.

Igatahes, kohustuslik esimene suusa- ja kelgusõit sai tehtud. Kelguga askeldas muidugi Henry. Paras boss: mina lükaku teda mäest alla ja pärast vedagu üles ka ja veel nii, et tema istub kelgu peal. -_-

Suusatada oli mõnus, mis siis, et kinni võttis. Isegi nii palju, et kukkusin Henryle kelgu peale. Temal oli lõbu laialt, aga mina sain päris kõvasti seljaga vastu kelgu serva lennates haiget.

Tegin paar pilti ka... See on kohustuslik minu puhul ju.

On üli mõnus olla kodus üle kuu aja. Kuidas ma igatsesin siia metsade ja mägede vahele. Linn ei ole minu jaoks. Ma ei harju vist kunagi linnaliini bussiga sõitmisega ära. Kui vähegi võimalik, käin ikka jala. Harjunud seda ju kogu aeg tegema. Vanast koolist kõndisin iga päev 3 kilomeetrit koju ja polnud midagi häda. Miks ma siis linnas sellega hakkama ei peaks saama?. Saan ja kuidas veel.

Järgmine nädalavahetus koju ei saa. Ball on... Vähemalt saab see kaelast ära. Selle üle on hea meel.
Minge käige kõik kohvikutes. Võite mind seal askeldamas näha.

Eile käisin parima sõbranna sünnipäeval. Tore oli. Sai korraks end vabaks lasta.

Mis on veel rõõmustav on see, et mu nädalavahetus on seekord 3 päeva pikk tavalise 2 asemel. Ei käinud reedel koolis. Mind oli kodus vaja. Väga hea... Ma arvan, et kui arvestada seda, et ma tervelt kuu aega ei olnud siia sattunud, olin ma selle 3 päeva ära teeninud.

Aga mis seal ikka... Vanemaid ei ole kodus eilsest saadik. Homme tulevad... Ma peaks õppima, aga motivatsioon on totaalne null. Üritan olla asjalik ja tegeleda hummi praksiga. Ühega neist- nimelt Hollandi projekti omaga. Koht, kuhu koduleht tuleb, on olemas. Ainus mure on see, et ma ei saa kuidagi neid inimesi, kes selle oma hummi praksiks võtsid, kokku. Keegi ei vaata orkuti kommuuni enam... Tuleb hakata neil siis vist sabas jooksma....
Pean ka välja mõtlema, mis ülesandeid kellelegi jagada.... See on suht suur mõtlemine, sest see on niivõrd lihtne, et ma võiks selle kodulehe ise täies mahus ära teha. Oleks isegi kindlam. Mõni vb ei viitsi teha ja siis surgi tagant... Kui ma oleks üksi teinud, oleks mul juba pool valmis, aga praegu.. Ma pole veel linki saanud luua, kuna ma ei saa rahvast kokku.

Ah, mis ma siin ikka vingun....

Homme on 1. advent. Ma üritan maja enne korda teha ja ära kaunistada kui vanemad koju jõuavad.
Aga tegelikult ei ole mul veel mingit jõulutunnet, sest lihtsalt ei ole aega selle peale mõelda..

Olgu. Lähen loen oma inglise keele kodutööd: Stephen Kingi "Desperation". Algus on hea (Y). Soovitan. Lisaks on ta veel #1 New York Times'i bestseller ja Stephen King on üldse väga väga hea õudukakirjanik.

Jäin lobisema jälle... Aga mõni päev on nii, et võikski rääkima jääda. Teine päev lihtsalt ei suuda mitte midagi öelda.

Igatahes... Praegu on tohutu segaduste aeg... Ma jooksen omadega järjest enam kokku... Liiga keeruline, et seletada.

TALV

Viimaks! Viimaks on talv. Mul on selle üle kirjeldamatult hea meel. Ma olen seda juba kaua oodanud.
Olen eilesest saadik maal/kodus. Siin on mõnus. Natuke rohkem kui lund kui Tartus.
Mida veel tahaks, oleks see, et oleks natuke külmem. Tahaks, et kõik oleks jääs, tardunud.
Aga ei ole hullu :). Nii on ka hea.

Õhtul Võru kanti. Sõbranna sünnipäeva pidama. Seal on kõik koos...
Aga sinu peale mõtlen ma ikkagi....

Almost late

I am enjoying my time at the moment. I am listening the music I love, I feel warm and somehow protected, I am having my late night tea to cure my throat which is a bit sour and I didn't have much to study for tomorrow. Only art history and only about 10 pages but I am getting used to it.
Tomorrow will be a hell of a day... I hate it when things are at the same time and when stuff gathers and collapses above your head. But I am also getting used it too so it's okay :).
I am feel kinda comfortable at the moment.
I will finish my tea and then I am off to bed. We'll see how well I manage to sleep this time.

Interesting... you are interesting... I'd like to get to know you.

Myspace -.-

As myspace thought that it would be nice to change all settings and to update blogs so that I can't access it anymore, I was forced to come here. Not the worse option actually. I already had an account here since last year but I never wrote here. I had my myspace blog... -.- So much of that.

Anyway... What can I say.... busy times. Sorry for not writting anything much lately and I am damn sorry in front of my one friend who is waiting an e-mail from me for months already. I will fix it in the weekend when I finally have a chance to go home over three weeks! Yay!

I actually go and study a bit for my music test tomorrow. :)

Dreams

I have seen those weird dreams recently. Dreams about my old school. They are all almost the same just with the difference that the story goes on from the point it ended last time. I don't see them every night, there might be a pause for a week.

In the schoolhouse it seems like there is some odd power or some mad creature who kills everyone who enters, kills them by ripping them apart. 

Tonight I saw it again. I went there to look for my mother. I knew she had gone in there. When I got it there was one lady who told me to leave or I will become one of "them". I didn't listen to her. I went straight upstairs because I knew that my mother is somewhere up there. I met some more people there. I didn't know any of them and my mother was not among them either. 

Suddenly we heard some weird voice. We knew that what ever is in the house is on the move. I got into panic a bit. I hadn't found my mother.  The man who was there suddenly went into some room like he would know that my mother is in there. He came back bringing only one hand and the head of my mother. I remember I sreacmed and started running out of the building and then I woke up. 

I don't know.. It's so weird to see those dreams. They go on and on. Every dream is somehow connected to another but still they can be viewed as separate. And it's also the second time I see my mother dead.

.

Empty.

Tühi.

Deep within me

Another day is over.. Ahhh... If it would be possible to stop counting them.. I'd like to just... I don't know. I don't like it how it's going by me right now.

I listened some music today. Music which meant something to me like... a year ago. It meant a lot. And it made me wonder how things change. Nothing is the same anymore. That music didn't mean anything to me anymore. Just the memories.. And they are also forgotten one day.
I remember one song by Darren Hayes, the title is Words. Each time I listened that song I cried. Now... I just remind that I cried but no other emotions.
What's the point of it all when it's all passing?..
I'd like to feel some physical pain so I'd know that there is something more but mental pain which I have felt for so long again.

I miss something. I feel again that I miss something. I don't know what exactly it is... but it's eating me up inside. This eternal need for something...
I want to let go! Arghh...! I wanna go.

I can't take it anymore. I just can't.

"Life's falling away from me, away from me".

I thought that as I went the whole way down last year then I am over it. I am through it. No, it's all happening again. I am going the whole way down these stairs yet again. I don't like it but I myself am too weak to do anything... I can't overcome it alone. I try yes, maybe that's the reason I have preserved some sanity yet but for how long I manage... We'll see.

And if you die we'll die together

So.. another weird day is over. I feel very very tired. It has been one very long day.
Since the end of my PE lesson (which happened to be the first two ones, yay) I have been braindead. I don't know what they are thinking when they put PE lesson as the first one. Students only tire themselves there.
But I am not actually here to criticise my school. My need to write some deep sh*t is up again :D. 
I feel the need but I don't know actually what to write about..

Last few days... I have felt weird. I feel somehow empty. Like... It's not sadness, it's not joy and neither of them can fill me because this huge emptiness has taken all over my mind. It has lasted so like for... Three days already. I really start to feel like a silly teenager who lives through all the worlds pain -.- But I am not! I can't consider myself as a teenager and I can't consider myself as one who lives through all the worlds pain.
I just can't handle myself it seems.

It somehow good.. This emptiness, because I can laugh and smile and I don't feel like it's against my real feelings... at least I think so. And then again I can be sad because I don't feel like I am forcing this feeling on myself. I feel just so neutral about everything. And I mean everything. I just can't care... I can but it doesn't move me much. I don't even think about him that much now though I should because he will be released from army soon which means for me a chance to see him.. But I just don't feel like... being so glad about it. Of course I miss and want to see him but... Some other time I would be so damn happy. I just don't know how to be happy about it.

Some good news, the pains in my heart have become less. If on Saturday and Monday it hurt like hell and on Tuesday it hurt also badly but I could live with it then today... It hurted a bit some time but not so much. Only got a strong headache again -.- They have become pretty often last days. Should mark the days but I always forgot so there's no deeper meaning anymore anyway.

Yesterday I got to know my marks (I know, I wrote about it in my last post which was in Estonian but that's the point, it was in Estonian so some of you didn't understand). My first period came out quite bad..  But it's okay. Somehow it motivates me to study and work harder the four other but.. Today I didn't manage much. I was able to study for my latin test but art history... I have to hope for luck. I read that chapter we had to study like twice and usually it's enough but it seems that not today considering my brain power today...

I have written so much unimportant things here. I don't know why.. Maybe I just want to let it all out of me. Then again if it gets too long then noone bothers to read it.. That's not my main goal of this blog but still. As I sometimes open my kinda deep feelings here then I hope that it reaches the people I would like it reach but I can never be sure of that. I know that some have stoped reading my blog and they are the most important.

So my deeper subject.... I have rolled this question "who is a friend?" for a long time in my head. I've started thinking do I have a real friend. Like the one who is there right away when I should need him/her and to whom I can tell my all secrets (not that I'd do that but just I should know that I can do that if I want to; some things just have to be kept in secret, nothing big but sometimes the smallest details are the most important).
I have went through some serious changes even according to last year (wont even start to compare it with my earlier life). I have lost some friends who I actually miss very much. It's kinda hurting to see them in school every day. And with my one other best friend things have gone a bit... yeah. You know what I mean. So that is it, what has made me think.
If friends are so easily coming and going then who can I actually trust? It seems to me that I can communicate regulary with a lot of people (like I do) but to trust... I start to do that less and less each time. I just find that if I tell someone my secrets, describe my feelings then I give a piece of myself in him/her. And if he/she then leaves me then I lose also that part of myself. I have lost way too much parts because of just being naive. I didn't have any friends before and now here, when I got closer with someone, I was just... Letting it all out of myself because I started to trust too early and there was too much kept in me. And now I have lost these parts...
So the only one who I can really trust is me? No.. I can't even trust myself. I know myself. I am not trustable for myself. For others yes.

And another question which came to my mind while writting now was why do we start to like someone? Why do we sometimes get obsessed? Why am I keen on some certain things?
It's easy..? Yeah, perhaps. But I don't know the answer for myself. The things and persons I knew already last year weren't so interesting or obsessing to me than they are now. What caused that change? Why do I like them now?
As it came to my mind just now then I need to think about a bit.
Also it's kinda late (add about 30 minutes to the posting time it shows this post) and I should go to bed.

So I hope that I didn't make it too long and too boring for you to read. I just feel like I haven't been so talkative for long and I just need to let it out! Sorry. :)

Filo

Kuna mul aega ei ole, siis ma tegelt filoma ei hakka kuigi hullult tahaks. Pean hoopis kunstiajalugu õppima -.-

Täna oli huvitav päev...
1. Sain I perioodi hinded teada. Jamh.. ma ei kommenteeri parem.
2. Mul on filo tuju, mida ma kahjuks rahuldada ei saa
3. Mul tuli poole inka (3.) tunni ajal räme masendus peale. Ma avastasin, et ma ei oska isegi inglise keelt enam!
Ma olen väga alla käinud.

Lisaks on mul juba suht pikka aega tuju suht nullis kogu aeg. No ma hakkan sellega vaikselt harjuma ise, aga imelik on nagu kogu aeg mingi mega mase olla. Mis mulje teistele jääb...
Ja tegelt mul ei ole aimugi, miks mul mase tuju on. Lihtsalt maailmavalu on vist peale tulnud -.- (kasva suureks!).

Muusikas kuulasime muusikat.. (natuke loogiline, aga jah...). See pani mind mõtlema. Peaks midagi muutma, peaks ennast muutma, aga jah.. Olen proovinud. See ei ole nii kerge.

Ja lõpuks, väga hea, et sa minuga täna karm olid. See muudab asja lihtsamaks. Samas....