Shit

It's my breaking moment again... I cry. Yes! I cry because of you! Again!

"I only wish you weren't my friend so I could hurt you in the end"

But f*ck, I love you too much! You are the dearest friend I've ever had. Why are you so blind to see that!...  And why do I care so much...

I wish I wouldn't have gone to school today. I wouldn't be at that point then. Why did I go there.. I know why but yeah.. At moments like this I wish I wouldn't have that reason there. At the other moments, it's the only reason to go there. Sucks....

Everybody seemed to forget about me. Well... perhaps I really am so forgetable then. Sweet, ain't it.

And as I go on with writting, my feelings change. I am feeling anger instead now.

Blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind

I must learn to block some feelings inside of me.

Feeling.. loving.. Where has it taken me? Into a point where I am getting almost the same depressed as I was some few years ago. But right now I am seeming to fight with it. Antidepressants... Not working to be honest. And I've learned to cry. It's actually something good.. Cleans. I've learnt it thanks to one friend. She taught me to cry, to forget and forgive and to love again... I don't know where I'd be without her now.
Yes, Liis, if you ever read these lines, this friend is you.

Damn! I'd kill myself for them because it's the first time when I have friends. They have no idea how much I care about them. Having someone.. is something which I can't describe. One must know it what it feels to be all alone for nine years, at times having some renegade friends which tears you even more apart. Nine years being alone.
Now, I love them because they have been there for me at some points... Yeah. I've spent the best time with these girls..
I don't know how to communicate with people. I wish they'd see how much I care and love them.. Unfortunatelly I can't but it into any words or dids...
The ones I've had over too many years... It just seems to break apart.. Inside of me.

And I ran out of words. 

Well...

It's been pretty long since I've written again.. Sorry : )

What can I say... It's getting better. I mean.. The way I feel inside. I have written some new things into my notebooks during lessons but they are not that important to be marked out again. Maybe they are but it doesn't matter.
Though I've had some problems with my health recently. On Thursday I went to doctors where they asked and watched and... I have to take three different kind of pills now for about 6 months.. It's the less time.
But my mood is rising.. It might be the cause of my antidepressants which they told me to take. Either way I am getting better.

Yesterday was one very important day for me. 5th... Two months ago I met someone very special to me.

Last week I bought my initials which I can wear on a necklace. Yesterday I went back to that store to buy more letters like L and two K's and J and M.... According to my dearests names but what a surprise.. They didn't have any of those letters. -.- They got me owned.

During all that shit which I went through some weeks ago I learned one thing.. I know now who is always there for me when I need it. Who always listens me and who wont leave me alone unless I wont f*ck it totally up. Keit... I don't know what I'd do without her now. She is my very best friend now and I love her more than I've loved anyone else. She is my guardian angel.

And some more good news, my sister who lives in Germany, is coming to Estonia and I am going to see her over five years time! :D

With that great news I end that time..