Time of confusion

As you read yeah, I am very confused. I was watching Tv some few time ago and I got nostalgic. Why, I have no idea. Today has been very very weird day.

It actually started at night already. I saw extremely weird dream. It's too weird even to describe it. And then I slept like 12 hours but I still didn't feel rested when I woke up.
Headache started already at the morning. I thought I'd take some ten painkillers but I reduced it to 2.. Head still aches. No use of eating them. Maybe I'll take some more later if it starts to bother me till death.

Death... yeah.... Interesting... This word is kinda active today.

I don't know.. I am way too confused today... And one person likes to swirl around in my head. Yeah... I kinda like it even but still...

I miss the winter. A world of fragile things

"Look for me in the white forrest hidding in a hollow tree"

It was so beautiful last night. I thought I'd go to bed but then saw the moon shining into my room. So I stood at the window like half an hour. Couldn't help but think...

I found my diary yesterday (in the hold of my little brother o.0). Diary which I wrote three years ago. It makes then... grade 8? I think. You ask what I read there...
"I hate my classmates. I am left so alone. I have no friends. I hate them!"...
And the next page: 

"I have new friends now. Miky, Erika, Ana, Aysha, Carlos and Huey."
Too bad that you excisted only through internet. Still I am thankful to you :).
There was more very personal stuff.. I wont write it here.
I am listening some music I listened when I was keeping that diary. It makes me feel... Sad.. but somehow good at the same time.

I need something different. I need to see some change. Or then I need it to be exaclty the same as before.
I miss my childhood. Like til age 10. Life was hard already then but I was a child and I didn't understand it all so it was easier to overcome it.
I need some happy memory. The only happy memory from my past life is the birth of my little brother. That's pretty much enough but still.. some more would be greatly apreciated.

See now how fast my moods can change? Yesterday evening I was okay. Wrote a positive entry to my blog.. But now?

I am sorry for not being the one you wished me to be. I know, I want to see someone else instead of myself too. I know, some of you start to say now that don't say this way. We like you the way you are. Thanks but... How long can a human be sad? I am max 5 days a month happy. The rest of the time I am depressed. I might seem happy, make jokes, make you laugh but deep inside... I just hide me from myself, from my feelings.

I really do miss the winter. To walk in the snowy forrests and fields. To see the moon shine above and the stars looking down at me. The whole world is frozen to remind me that I am frozen too and that I always have a way out of life... I love winter.. It's my favorite season of the year.

I just remind a place near my home which I need to find again. I don't remember where exactly it is.
Imagine: a forrest, totally frozen, no ppl around nearer than 1 km, frozen ground and one certain kind of wide area full of little forrestlakes but they are not forzen. You see the water move, you see your reflcetion in them.
I remember the night years ago when I stood at the biggest one. Totally beaten up by my sister I thought who needs me anyway if even she beats up into blue. I stood long there... But then I remind Henry. He was so small then. About 4 months (which reminds me that I was 11). And I stepped away.

Every time I stand at some edge, he is the one to make me step away from there. He is the only real reason keeping me still alive...
Too bad that you excisted only through internet. Still I am thankful to you :).
There was more very personal stuff.. I wont write it here.
I am listening some music I listened when I was keeping that diary. It makes me feel... Sad.. but somehow good at the same time.

I need something different. I need to see some change. Or then I need it to be exaclty the same as before.
I miss my childhood. Like til age 10. Life was hard already then but I was a child and I didn't understand it all so it was easier to overcome it.
I need some happy memory. The only happy memory from my past life is the birth of my little brother. That's pretty much enough but still.. some more would be greatly apreciated.

See now how fast my moods can change? Yesterday evening I was okay. Wrote a positive entry to my blog.. But now?

I am sorry for not being the one you wished me to be. I know, I want to see someone else instead of myself too. I know, some of you start to say now that don't say this way. We like you the way you are. Thanks but... How long can a human be sad? I am max 5 days a month happy. The rest of the time I am depressed. I might seem happy, make jokes, make you laugh but deep inside... I just hide me from myself, from my feelings.

I really do miss the winter. To walk in the snowy forrests and fields. To see the moon shine above and the stars looking down at me. The whole world is frozen to remind me that I am frozen too and that I always have a way out of life... I love winter.. It's my favorite season of the year.

I just remind a place near my home which I need to find again. I don't remember where exactly it is.
Imagine: a forrest, totally frozen, no ppl around nearer than 1 km, frozen ground and one certain kind of wide area full of little forrestlakes but they are not forzen. You see the water move, you see your reflcetion in them.
I remember the night years ago when I stood at the biggest one. Totally beaten up by my sister I thought who needs me anyway if even she beats up into blue. I stood long there... But then I remind Henry. He was so small then. About 4 months (which reminds me that I was 11). And I stepped away.

Every time I stand at some edge, he is the one to make me step away from there. He is the only real reason keeping me still alive...
Too bad that you excisted only through internet. Still I am thankful to you :).
There was more very personal stuff.. I wont write it here.
I am listening some music I listened when I was keeping that diary. It makes me feel... Sad.. but somehow good at the same time.

I need something different. I need to see some change. Or then I need it to be exaclty the same as before.
I miss my childhood. Like til age 10. Life was hard already then but I was a child and I didn't understand it all so it was easier to overcome it.
I need some happy memory. The only happy memory from my past life is the birth of my little brother. That's pretty much enough but still.. some more would be greatly apreciated.

See now how fast my moods can change? Yesterday evening I was okay. Wrote a positive entry to my blog.. But now?

I am sorry for not being the one you wished me to be. I know, I want to see someone else instead of myself too. I know, some of you start to say now that don't say this way. We like you the way you are. Thanks but... How long can a human be sad? I am max 5 days a month happy. The rest of the time I am depressed. I might seem happy, make jokes, make you laugh but deep inside... I just hide me from myself, from my feelings.

I really do miss the winter. To walk in the snowy forrests and fields. To see the moon shine above and the stars looking down at me. The whole world is frozen to remind me that I am frozen too and that I always have a way out of life... I love winter.. It's my favorite season of the year.

I just remind a place near my home which I need to find again. I don't remember where exactly it is.
Imagine: a forrest, totally frozen, no ppl around nearer than 1 km, frozen ground and one certain kind of wide area full of little forrestlakes but they are not forzen. You see the water move, you see your reflcetion in them.
I remember the night years ago when I stood at the biggest one. Totally beaten up by my sister I thought who needs me anyway if even she beats up into blue. I stood long there... But then I remind Henry. He was so small then. About 4 months (which reminds me that I was 11). And I stepped away.

Every time I stand at some edge, he is the one to make me step away from there. He is the only real reason keeping me still alive...

October

So... I went to Tartu yesterday. It was pretty fun. I met my friend in the bus and then I waited with her until her music school started. Then I went to the library... Got a huge book.
So I went home and got myself ready. From half 7 I think I went to Diana's place and from there we went to the theatre together. Thearte was nice. I have seen better plays but it was nice to go to the theatre over such a long time already :).

After theatre we went to another friend's Heli's place ;). There were actually only about 10 ppl but as my mood had gone up in the middle of the theatre play (and I don't know why) then yeah.. I thikn I made it an interesting night for all of us. xD Then at 3 in night we started walking towards the middletown from the edge of the town (Lõunakeskus). It took us only 45 minutes actually. :D So from 4 to bed... We thought that we will get up at ten in the morning.. Yea right. :D In the midday we got up, ate and then started to deal with the sponsors for the school ball. We had fun during doing that too. No wonder. :)

I left around half four to go home and pack my stuff... :D Mother gave me a shock. She called me, I didn't recognize her voice and when I finally saw her coming up the stairs I was like... "god damn mom!" :D

Anyway, we started to drive home. In middle of the way... before Maaritsa, I saw I think most beautiful nature I've seen in a long time. It was raining and the sun still shined. It sent it's golden rays everywhere. It made the autumn trees and fields shine in gold. It reflected from every raindrop making all this shine even more! It was so beautiful! I was so unhappy that I didn't have my camera with me. Though I think that it wouldn't stay so beautiful on a picture.
It was one of the most pretty autumn evenings I've seen in my short life.

So.. Now I am at home. Sitting on the coach in my livingroom and just chillax with some pancakes I just made and with ice cream my dad bought. :)
I feel tired, I'd like to sleep... But I wont let any other feeling to disturb my peace at the moment. :)

White Waters

Ahhh.. I don't know..

Everything has changed in the last few days. I don't even recognize myself.
Who am I? Why am I here? Why can't I just leave and be somewhere else? I want to leave...
I always do..

I know now that where ever I am, what ever I do, I am never happy withmyself. In my basic school I wanted to escape, to be someone else and it hasn't changed even now though I have a better life. Or then.. I have a life.
But still, I want to be somewhere, someone else.

I always miss something, linger for something and I don't know what it is.

I'd like to be happy with myself but I don't know how to get there...

I lost the idea of this writting.

Anyway... Why this all has changed so much is probably because of the Holland exchange student stuff.. I hear every day how others miss them and stuff.. I don't and that makes me wonder.. Am I heartless? Or... I just don't care.. Or... what the f*ck is wrong with me?!

If I only could understand myself... Or then.. If I'd only have someone else who could read me to tell it to me. I need someone wiser and stronger... But who?
My parents can't help me anymore. They've done what they can... But now.. I need someone else or then must find the strength in myself but at the moment.. I can't find it anywhere. I am way too weak for that.. Like I've always been.

I do have some great friends to suppourt me and stand by me when I need it... But that's not that. I'd need someone older and wiser than me to whom shoulder I could lean on...
But do I know any such person? Doubt... Or?

What more is there to say?...
I am afraid that I will always crawl in the shadow.. In the shadow of my own mind. I just can't put it behind me. I want to, but I am not able to... Not alone.
Ahh... I don't know..

"I need to be alone. Lost in this solitude"

Maybe then I can see what really matters to me and maybe, if I am gone for some time and something happens then I really see who care about me.

I feel... like everyone are going farer from me. All the ones I care for... I can't feel anyone around me anymore... I scream for help but no one hears it....

Longing again only to be myself

Jõudsin eile õhtul kuskil seitsme ajal üle kahe nädala viimaks koju. Viimane öö oli olnud väga segane. Öösel tuli poole viie ajal hollandlased bussile saata ja pärast veel kooli ka jõuda. Kõige hullem ei olnudki. Magasin ainult ühes tunnis ja seda ka vaid 10 minutit. Koju jõudsin olin omadega ikka väga läbi. Läksin suhteliselt vara magama kuid kokku magasin ainult mingi 12 tundi. Vähe.. Oleks tahtnud veel, aga ilmselgelt mu väike kullake ei anna selleks võimalust ja ega ma teda selles süüdistada ei saa. Mina tundsin temast ka väga puudust.

Väga mõnus on kodus olla. Ma olen hetkel rahul ja natuke isegi õnnelik. Ma tõesti tundsin kodust puudust. Esmaspäeva õhtul ja teisipäeval tuleb veel Tartus olla ja siis saab pühapäevani nautida oma voodit ja muid päris- koduseid mõnusid. Hommikul rääkisin emaga ka sellel teemal ja ka oma stressi/tervise teemal. Mul on vaja lihtsalt end vabaks lasta. Unustada oma probleemid korraks. Kõige parem viis selleks on lihtsalt lebotada ja panna muusika mängima. Muusika... parim ravim. 

Täna on omamoodi huvitav päev. Täis nostalgiat. Mitte halvas mõttes, aga heas. Võib- olla on asi selles, et siin Otepää kuplite vahel on suht palju lund maas juba. Tuleb jälle meelde kuidas me õdedega talviti kelgutamas käisime hommikust kuni suure pimedani ja siis ka ei tahtnud veel tuppa tagasi minna isa kutsumise peale kui tegelikult selleks juba tagumine aeg oli. 

Lisaks olen ma veel hakanud viimasel ajal mõtlema (mis ei ole kõige targem tegu ja no fear, ma ei hakka filoma; kui, siis natuke). Millest ma siis mõtlesin... Alguse sai see ühest kirjanduse tunnist kui teemaks oli sentimentalism ja veel täpsemalt see, kas tänapäeva inimene on sentimentalistlik või ei. Ehk minu jaoks tekkis tegelikult küsimus, kas ma olen vahest liiga sentimentalistlik. Kuulates oma klassikaaslaste arvamusi sain aru, et vist jah. Ma hakkasin oma vihikuservale sodima huvitavaid üksikuid sõnu ja väikseid pilte. Üheks sõnaks oli "sõber". Selle sõna ümber on mul viimasel ajal jälle palju mõtlemist olnud. Ma ei saa enam hästi aru, kas üks inimene on veel minu sõber ja kas üks ongi ainult sõber või äkki midagi enamat. Keeruline...
 

Stress ja kurvameelsus on taas vallanud mu meeled. Noh, "taas" oleks natuke vale öelda. See on mu sees kogu aeg. Neljapäeval oli aga murdumispunkt uuesti. Oli see Hollandi õpilasvahetus programm ja see oli päris stressav. Juba kolmapäeval oli mul tunne, et kohe kohe on minuga kõik. Neljapäeva õhtul lõpuõhtul koolimajas aga öeldi mulle veel päris õelalt ka ja siis ma enam ei suutnud. Käisin geograafia klassi ukse juures nutmas. Oma pool tundi jutti tuli ära. Tänu sellele suutsin muidugi oma südame jälle rütmist välja viia ja terve õhtu oli halb olla. Lõpuks otsustasin ikkagi natukenegi õhtut nautima hakata, aga ega see päris ei kadunud. See ei kaogi päriselt kunagi. Ma võin tunduda, et olen heas tujus, lollitan ja naeran, aga tegelikult... Ma vahel lihtsalt tunnen, et ma ei suuda enam teeselda. Ma ei taha olla nii nõrk, ma ei taha olla selline, nagu ma olen, ma tahaks olla keegi, kellega kõigil on alati lõbus, ma tahaks olla positiivne, aga ma ei suuda lihtsalt. Üheksa aastat kannatusi põhikoolis ja praegused jamad ei anna selleks mahti. Ma tean, ma ei ole ainuke, kes on kannatanud, aga see olen mina... Kuradima kehv inimene. 

Mine jah arvutist eemale korraks... Siis ei saa enam aru, kuhu jäid -.-

Igatahes... Huvitav on olnud. Sellest Hollandi värgist kirjutan mõni teine kord. See on pikk lugu ja ka see tekst on piisavalt pikk, niiet... Aitab kah. Südames ka pistab jälle.

Viimased sõnad, mis lausuda tahaks, on tänusõnad. Aitäh mu kallis Jane, et sa mulle selle nädala viimased päevad mulle abiks ja toeks olid ja et sa neljapäeval mul sind märjaks nutta lubasid :). Ja aitäh minu inglise keele õpetajale, et Te nii mõistev olete olnud.

Ja kuigi ma tean, et Siim, sina ei loe mu blogi kunagi (ja seda enam julgen ma seda siia kirjutada), sa oled mulle väga oluliseks saanud.

First day with my dutch exchange partner is over. I just can't describe this day.. I think I've not been so tired for a long long time.
This whole group ended up at my place suddenly but fortunatelly my classmates/groupmates were so nice and just took these dutch with them at a good time.

Damn... I have a headache... I need to go to bed.
I felt good this morning. I was like "yay! things are moving. i see them moving". So much had been on and I like it. Right now I am just way too tired to think about it... *snore*

Good night!

Obviously unwanted

So.. I am at home.. I don't know how long it is from my last post. Forgat to check it but it doesn't matter really.

About the title of my post... It is very much obvious. At home, my sister is mad at me just because I took camera with me to Tartu and because of that I am ignorant and selfish. Nice... I know that already! You've told that to me oh so many times. I wouldn't have took it with me if I wouldn't have needed it. You are not the only one.
And how she is now with me... Only yelling, so cold. I try to read, no, she wont let me. Music playing on the hardest level.
I think I wont be coming home next weekend just because of her. I can't stand it. I'd like to see Henry but... I can't be in the same room with her. She doesn't want to even see me. Why should I then...
And in Tartu.. I am not sure if I am even wanted there...

I know I promised to some of you to write letters of what's going on. Sorry. I just can't.. I don't have time for it plus.. I don't know... It just.. I will but when.. I don't really know to say.

And what bothers me also is that I speak something to one person and soon I hear everyone talking about it. Who the hell can I trust then if they all tell things to everybody?! Do I really have to say all the time that please don't tell anyone else?! No... It just seems that I can't trust anymore...
And no one actually reads my blog...to whom I write?.. Just to "entertain" myself...

Selfpity? Perhaps... But I just can't take it for long anymore...
Some "interesting" thoughts return... And I can't help it.