Not getting better

I can't help now to write every day I feel down...

Let me think, how long have I felt that way... it's the seventh day now.

I am not getting better at all but exactly the other way. It's getting worse every day!

I might seem happy to some.. but inside...

Some thoughts which I have wrote down at school on the very moment they've came into my mind...

"Sometimes I wish you'd all just f*ck off" (Not really my own thought but I read it on one of my badges and it started haunting me).

"Deep inside I'm sad" (More true than I could ever imagine)

"May I leave? I'm tired..."

"If I'm alone I cannot hate" (Slipknot- Snuff)

"You asked me to love you and did. Traded my emotions for a contract to command. And when I got away I only kept my scars. The other me is gone, now I don't know where I belong" (Slipknot- Dead Memories)

"They'll never ever take us alive!" (Slipknot- 'Til We Die)

"I don't understand people!" (So damn true... And I understand them less every minute...)

"Everyone leaves me stranded, forgotten, abandoned, left behind." (Evanescence- Solitude)

"I'm tired of smiling when I'm actually sad..."

"Desire... Will... Need" (There's only one thing I need right now...)

"I'm getting used to be alone" (But it hurts...)

Today at school I was pretty... I dunno. I was kinda happy even. I smiled, laughed, made jokes... But the later it got the sadder I become once again.  In the evening, when I came from the University from the choir practice... I fell into depression with every step again... And I have pretty long way to home from there. About 2km...

Trying to hold on... But without one certain person, I am not able for that.. I realized it today. But unfortunatelly.. it's not that easy. Even if I'd show how much I care.. It seems that it wouldn't help. I've tried though...
Well yeah...   

Today

"Loneliness dances around me..." (sounds better in Estonian)


Wanted to write it.. It's just that I haven't started to feel any better. I thought that perhaps if I get out and am able to do something and find somewhere to.. so said put myself, I would break out of here.. I was wrong.
I feel even more alone than I did before... I don't know why..
And what's the most depressing, some people, seeing that I am feeling down, start... I don't know... to distance from me. Maybe because... they want to give me some air? If so, then, god damn, they are doing so wrong! I feel lonely and when they leave me all alone, how can I heal? It would be enough if I'd just see and feel them around me but no... They keep away from me... And the dearests of all of my friends are doing this..
In the other hand, those of them who I also love but perhaps not that much are giving me "free" hugs when they meet me in hallway...
In the hardest times you see who your real friends are..

I may not think that way but what can I help!? I need closeness and if my friends are afraid to give me that...

I am not used to be alone. In my old school I had attention too! No matter that negative one... Now they aren't giving me any. But I need it... It would be enough if they'd just sit with me in the breaks and not run away from me.. And not the way that they actually don't want to be with me and would feel forced to that... Or else it would be worse. I would feel alone even with them (like I experienced today)..

"Mit dir bin ich auch allein..."

If I just couldn't feel anything anymore... Would be a lot easier.. If I could just get this out of me.

Some few days I told someone that this time I've spent here in that school, is the happiest time of my life. Now I am not so sure anymore.. Not without them..

I don't want to feel alone anymore..
Help me out of this circle...!!

Time

It is late and I don't feel any good... But what is good about it, is that I was able to write something. I already started worrying about it... Way too long time had passed since I last wrote anything. Anyway... The poem.. reflects what I feel at the moment. I can't say that I would feel that bad... Sometimes it's even kinda freeing to feel down. At least for me it is... Makes me feel, that I am alive. 

Watching the clock tick my time away
Minute after minute it shortens my life
Holding my breath that it wont end too soon
My need to progress isn't accomplished yet

My time passes me by way too fast
I hear every second to tick inside me
It ticks the same beat with my heart
Young and willing to live the fullest

Why the ticking starts to become more silent?
I feel it fade away as my heart stops beating...