Letter to a friend

Dear X,


I wont start my letter to you as a traditional letter because I know that you will actually never read it. I know that everyone else will but you wont. Well... probably then it has to be so.

I just wanted to let you know how much it hurts me what is going on right now. I don't know why this is so. We talked about it once but it didn't make anything clearer to me. You said you still care and maybe oneday you will come back to me. I don't know... The way it is right now makes me think the opposite.

The same day I told you that maybe I am starting to loose everybody because I try to hold on too tight because I don't want to be alone again. Well.. I am sorry. I just can't deal with it. It's what I am. I care too much.

I've given into you too much of myself. There isn't anything you wouldn't know about me. You know me better than anyone else. There are some things which can't be told to parents no matter how much you trust them. You know all my secrets like that. That's one reason it hurts that much. Loosing you makes me feel that I loose that part of myself too.. That means, everything.

I'd like to say that I haven't given up the trust on you. That if it's all going to be okay again one day then it will go on where it stopped. But how can I, if that's the way you roll?

I don't want to be paranoid and say that she is not the blame but can't you see that the more closer you become with her, the farer we get? It hurts so much to see you passing me by again like I'd be some pure air on your way and nothing more.

If you decide one day that you still would like to have me back and be friends again then it's okay with me. I would be happy about it but I think that it wont be the same again. That train has left. Unless it wont happen again and we both work for it.

I'd like to hope that you will read it one day and actually realize too that it's written to you.

I don't know why it is like that but you were one of my most precious friends and I'd like to say that you still are. I still care.

If we wont come back together, I still wish the very best for you.

With love,

Sandra-



P.S: And that's not all I'd like to say because I just can't put it all into words. I still don't know quite exaclty what I feel and how I take this. If I get it more clear in my mind, I will let you know and I will write you another letter. I love(d) you....

So.. It's a week long holiday from school. I waited for it for long but right now I don't know anymore. Yeah.. it's still nice to have a break from the townlife and just live for the day at the countryside. Besides.. the spring is here.. or at least then is coming. It's warmer and the snow is melting (not to count that it snowed today again -.-).

So.. the last weekend before holidays was one damn good one. We had singing in the Friday evening and after that we went to a concert. Tõnis Mägi and Ultima Thule. That was sweet! (pics: http://fotoalbum.ee/photos/sakuLC/sets/953019 ).
Then.. on Saturday we went to a party of one friends.. she's a bit like a classmate but then again not.. We left earlier because we wanted to go to another concert but we failed a bit so we just went to take a walk around Tartu. We ended up on the streets which existance we even didn't know. We saw some weird things... And I managed to fall and get hurt on the icey streets. :)  (pics: http://fotoalbum.ee/photos/sakuLC/sets/953777 ).

And yeah.. now it's holidays. I am not very sure what to think. I am kinda emotionless today. All I can do is to blame it on the fact that I am tired...
I went to visit my old school today. One teacher tried to kill me with talking way way too much.. But I am alive x]. Nothings changed there. The same as always. Boring..
Anyway... Dunno what to write about.
I'll end then.

:D

I dunno why I end up writting here only when I am down or so. :D It's weird.
So... I wanted to change that fact. At the moment I am in a guite good mood and I am writting.

Well.. My mood is rising. That's something good. Today I only fooled around in school. It was kinda freeing. Right now, I feel tired and satisfied (I liked myself today) and listening to Slipknot. :D Like always.

My relationships with some persons are getting weaker and weaker each day but.. I think I wont give up on that. If they find this as some kind of a way.. Then let it be. Just that they are/were my friends and I would like if that would (have) last(ed).

Njahh.. That's not so important (and again I end up saying this).

Anyways... Sunday is going to be interesting ;)

Sunday

A week is over again.. Much has happened this week.
Where should I start... From the most important obviously.
At Thursday me and my dearest, we took a little walk around the town. A pretty long walk came out. I was pretty tired (and wounded) afterwards. I fell down several times (like we all) but yeah... I hurt my elbow quite "good". Dunno... It still hurts a bit.
On Friday I sang 'til late in the evening. Around ten or so. Choir practice again. On sunday we had a concert.. I didn't go there. x] I was on a short trip to the other edge of Estonia. It was fun.. besides one stalker who I got to myself in the hotel. -.- Ass... Where I was he was near there too. Even my mother found it weird. And, as it was a SPA hotel, I had a chance to swim. Mmmm... I love swimming. You can find some pics in:http://fotoalbum.ee/photos/sakuLC/sets/950627
Anyway... I am home now and I am damn tired. Luckily I can sleep longer tomorrow. School will start somewhere around.. hmm.... 9 am or so. On this Friday we will sing again... and after that I probably will go to a concert.. And on Sunday too... heh.. And after that week I have a week off from school. Damn good. I am pretty tired of it.

And I wish that the snow would melt away. This winter has last too long. In every meaning... Outside and also inside of me. I'd like to see the spring where everything starts to bloom and grow... I miss the sun. 

At the moment I am way too tired to understand what I feel.. It's not important anyway.

I need spring..

What is new... I don't know where one of my roommates is... Don't actually care much :D. Then... My other roommates mom is staying with us for some time.. Dunno for how long. Maybe just this one night. It's also not important.

Today at school... I had some weird thoughts. First in the morning I had a very good mood. I laughed 'n stuff... The more the day went on, the more I fell into my own world and thoughts. I felt somehow lonely again. Dunno.. something in me is broken and I don't know what it is what I miss so much.. I wish I would.
Anyway... I thought the whole day long but I couldn't think anything straight to myself.
So... I came home, still thinking. Then my best roommate managed to get me out of it a bit. She always manages. That's why she is so special and valuable. Well.. ok, she doesn't always manage but most of the times..

And out of nowhere I started to change myself. I even cut my hair. :D Well.. I'll see what emotions it brings in school tomorrow.. And what my faimily will think about it.

I had a little chat today with two of my friends in the school canteen. It's weird how some people know exactly what you feel and have felt it too and try to help you... It's enough if they ask. I wont go to tell someone my worries out of nowhere.. when they ask and I trust them, then it's enough. It's good to share your thoughts and stuff...
I have some of those friends. I like it.

Anyway... I don't know. I am out of thoughts at the moment and somehow empty. I think a good sleep would change the thing.. :D
And the weekend which comes.... ;) But I'll write about it later when I am done with that.

When I opened this window, I had a great idea what to write. I wrote it almost to the end and then realized that it's too personal and too obvious to who it's addressed. I deleted it because I am still too shy to tell you this all I want to tell you. These things itch inside me and every time I see I feel the need to shout how much I care about you. Njah... why do I even bother. I mean... You don't read this... Or do you?

Anyway. I came up to one idea just a few moments ago. I maybe will start a new story :D. A good news to some, a bad news to the others. Dunno... I just like to write and know what, I really don't give a damn of what you think about it. :D

See yas!

Shalalalaa

Well... Days are not brothers or what?

Last evening I started to feel extremely down. Today at school I felt so crappy. Totally alone. No matter though, that I wasn't alone but I didn't feel anyone around me. Just me and the big hole in me. I even cried... Only one of them saw me crying. I don't mind that. I don't mind her anything. But that's not the point.

Somehow..
I came home. I mean to my real home. I started to mess around, play with Henry and stuff.. I even started my german project. All this time I had my music playing. I googled for gothic pics and for Cristina Scabbia's pics XD She is one of my big influences, yes. :D

And now.. I feel fine. It feels good... It's amazing how home, family and good music can rise your mood when anyone else can't.

I'd like to blame my moods to the schoolstress... Which I can do because it has been pretty long time without a break and it's stressful.. :D But what is good, that now only 2 weeks are left and I can rest for a whole week.

But yeah.. I wait for summer. :D It's going to be an interesting one if all goes as I want it to go.. but right now I woudln't give in if it wouldn't. At the moment I am full of positive thoughts... Positive! 

Well...  I acutally don't know what to say. My head is completely empty. I am full of exact opposite feelings. I feel happy and laugh but I am sad at the same time.
Today... I dunno. I haven't laughed so much for weeks like I laughed today. It was damn, how freeing.. Then again it made me somehow empty.
Yeah.. now I came up with a good word to describe it. I feel empty. For a kinda long time already. I have hid it all this time. I laugh and fool around.. but deep inside I cry all the time. I want to get rid of this feeling but I can't. I don't know why. I just can't.

Lately, all I do, seems to go to waste... Even worse. When I plan something then comes out that it won't happen because.. I don't know. Something always gets in the way. It pisses me off!.. Why won't it all just work out the way I want it... Just for some times. I plan things so rare anyway.

I try to take life positively but at times it all breaks apart again. Somewhere... sometime... at some point... in me.