Kui mul Sind ei ole, ei ole ka mind, kuid Sind mul ei ole...

Kadunud.

Palju õnne mulle.

Memento mori

At the moment I feel a bit.. I dunno. Left behind. I would like to feel that I belong to somewhere too. I feel totally unwanted. Sweet...

No tänks!

Ei, muidugi, maru vahva on, kui te jätate mind üksi kui ma end niigi üksikuna tunnen.
Suured tänud!

Go ahead and disagree. I'm giving up again.

Ma lihtsalt olen praegu messed up jälle. Mul on kahju...
Ma vahest mõtlen, et vb kui te poleks mind takistanud... Vb oleks see seal katusel ka realiseerides hea idee olnud.
Ahh.. ma ei tohi nii mõelda. Ma lubasin seda 1le teist.

Vahest ma lihtsalt tahan kuhugi ära minna. Kuhugi kaugele, kus keegi mind ei tea ega üles leia. Mõned teist ma võtaks isegi kaasa... : )

Tegelikult oleneb see minu enda suhtumisest. Vahepeal on raske lihtsalt sellega toime tulla.
Andke mulle andeks mu nõrkusehood ja kui ma seda teie peal välja elan. Ma tegelikult ei taha nii...
Ning ma ütlen veel, et ma proovin muutuda.

Mmmmmh.... Aga ma arvan, et ma lahkun nüüd arvutist... Söön ja sis magama... :) Ilusad väljavaated.. Homme pidu ;)

Njaaa

Täna esta tunnis pani õpetaja kirjutama meid "monoloogi iseendale".  Lihtne oli kirjutada, sest minu sees on liialt palju sõnu, mis on välja ütlemata. Pärast, kui seda lugesin, tekkis mul mure iseenda pärast. See on päris hirmutav...

See on täiesti haige mis mu sees toimub. Ma poleks seda ettegi kujutanud, et ma enesega nii metsas olen.
Jaa.. teisipäeval, kui ma koju läksin õhtul, tõesti juba need mõtted panid mind ennast hommikul muretsema. Ja seal katusel... Mis ma mõtlesin ja teha tahtsin.
Ma tean, ma ei mõtleks kunagi nii, kui ma kaine oleks. Ma ei teeks ka seda, kui ma kaine oleks, aga joobes inimesed ei valeta....

Ma tean, et need mõtted olid kõik tõde, sellepärast ma nii mures enda pärast olengi.
Miks ma ei parane? Miks ei lähe mu enesetunne paremaks, kui kõik on ju tegelikult enam- vähem korras?! Miks ma alla vannun? Miks ma pean tema vastu üldse midagi tundma? Mu elu oleks palju lihtsam, kui ma teda ei armastaks....
On tohutult vale teda armastada, sest see oleks täiesti võimatu, et meie üldse kunagi kokku läheks.

See on suht haige... Ükskõik kui õnnelik ma olen, kui palju ma naeran, kui õnnelikuna ma end tunnen, olen ma sügaval sisimas õnnetu. Mingi hetk kukub see fassaad kokku ja...

Ma ise hakkan sellega harjuma. Ma olengi selline... Ma mäletan oma lapsepõlve..

Siiski... See teisipäev... Mul ei kao see mõtteist. Ma ei saa sellest üle. See on natuke liialt raske mu jaoks.

Tahaks olla vaba. Tahaks lennata ära, kuhugi kaugele... Kas üksi või siis...

Ma mäletan kuidas keegi mulle kunagi lubas, et ükspäev läheme me koos ära.. Ma loodan, et ta tahab seda endiselt. Mina tahan... Temaga läheks mina endiselt ükskõik kuhu, ükskõik kui kaugele.


Aga... Aitab. Ma pole kunagi võimeline oma mõtteid ja tundeid päris selgelt väljendama. See on midagi, mis jääbki alatiseks minu sisse.

Lihtsalt... Mu lähedased, teadke ja mäletage alati, et ma hoolin teist. Teist paremaid ei ole... (ja ma ise ka ei näe põhjust, miks seda siia lõppu panna), eriti L ja J ja M. Teieta mind vist tõesti enam ei oleks... Aitäh..

Yeah!

It's tomorrow right away! :D
I have a strong will not to go to school tomorrow but I think I will do my math priliminary test.. Dunno if I will go to a lesson after that... It's kinda pointless anyway. xD

I feel weirdly good at the moment and hell no, I don't want to lose this feeling! It feels good :D.

I went to movies today... It was based on a myth (I mean the movie).. Well yeah who knows how it was when it was... but at the point as I knew it was a bit different.. buuuut! What ever..

I think I will go to bed soon.. :D But who knows ;)

Anna mulle andeks

Ma ei leia mingit muud paremat moodust, et näidata ka teiste ees, kui kahju mul on..

Ma tean... vb ma ei peaks nii väga põdema, aga selline ma olen.

Taaskord on mul õnnestunud endast ära lükata kedagi, kellest ma hoolin ja mis kõige masnedavam, seekord oled Sa keegi, kellest ma hoolin rohkem, kui kellestki muust.
Kuidas see mul õnnestus... Jällegi nii, et ma hoian liialt tugevasti kinni ja ootan, et ka teised samamoodi teeks. Täpselt nagu Keit mulle kunagi ütles, et ma kaotan inimesi, sest ma hoian liialt tugevasti kinni.
Ma proovin nüüd parandada seda viga.

Ma mõistan absoluutselt kõike, mis sa mulle ütlesid. Ma ju teadsin, et Sina usaldad mind. Mina usaldan Sind ka... Ja ma tean ning mõistan, et Sa oled vihane.. Mina oleks ka..

Ma tean, ma ei oleks kunagi pidanud nii tegema. Ma ei tea, miks küll ma nii loll siiski olin!
Ma vihkan end... Ma tahan surra...

Mul ei ole kunagi olnud kedagi nii lähedast kui oled Sina. Ma pole kunagi armastanud, hoolinud ja usaldanud kedagi nii palju kui ma armastan, hoolin ja usaldan Sind.
Sellepärast ma ei oskagi...

Ma teeks Sinu heaks kõik. Ma teeks kõik, et see oleks kõik endine. Ainult ütle ja ma teen seda. Kui ma saaks pöörata aega tagasi, jätaks ma paljud asjad tegemata. Ma jätaks palju ütlemata..

Las ma tõestan Sulle, et ma olen võimeline muutuma..

Ma olen kaotanud Su usalduse ja see on hulleim tunne kõikidest muudest tunnetest maailmas... Oleks, et ma kirjutaks praegu paberile, oleks see märg ja tint oleks laiali... (kui ma kirjutaks tindiga).

Luba ma proovin uuesti... Anna mulle uus võimalus... Ütle, et Sa oled võimeline mind uuesti usaldama... See on ainus, mis ma hetkel soovin.. Mina ei suuda edasi minna ilma Sinuta. See tähendaks mulle sama, kui elada ilma südameta...

See näeb välja nagu armastuskiri, aga tegelikult on see Sulle, mu parim sõbranna...

So.. it's Sunday evening.

The week which had passed was an interesting one. I had something up almost every day. Almost every day we went to fool around with some of my friends... Mostly with the very same ones as usually.

On the Friday's evening after school we went to Kassinurme... Such a beautiful place. I tried to take some pictures but they didn't come out so good to show the beauty of the place. I am not good enough in taking pictures. Anyway... Here's the link:
http://fotoalbum.ee/photos/sakuLC/sets/964157
We came back on Saturday. It was a lot of fun (no matter that I got so damn wet and I was cold the most of the time). The best part was the Friday's evening at the fire.... I love fire.
Anyway... On Saturday evening my friend and classmate celebrated her birthday. That was a lot of fun too. I met some new people again... Even one who listened exactly the same music I do. That was fun. If you don't have anything else to talk about, you can talk about music. So did I with him.
And today I just went out to have a walk (alone but.. yeah. What ever) as the weather has been super for about three days now. It's warm and sunny... So sweet! I wish the summer would come faster.. I'd like to have a rest of this all...
I just feel like needing to get away from everything. I barely notice what is going on around me. Okay, I do notice but only some few things.

And again I wish that the ones I need would notice how much I need them and would pay some attention to me...
One day I made one test... I didn't go to them myself the whole school day but I was around always, somewhere near to see will they come to me. They didn't... That hurts a bit. I don't know am I brave enough to try it again tomorrow.. I'd just like to see with that that I am not the one who runs after others and is the one who would go no matter how far for them but that they'd do the same for me.

One day, when I felt like totally crappy, I asked one not to leave me alone when we could be together... In the end of the day it seemed that it was too much to be asked.
Shit! I care too much again.. I just can't.. It's my nature and that's what I am. I just wish that they would see that and.. okay, I don't force anyone but just.. would be with me.
I feel alonely again.. that's all.

And what bothers me... I have some problems with two of my friends. I don't know why they ignore... I wanted to talk with them on Thursday but one of them didn't even come to school so I was forced to cancel it and no, oh no I don't think that she didn't come to school because of that. Not at all! Especially when she smiled to me so in a so mean way the next day.

Seems that it just wont work out anymore... I think I must say goodbye to the part I gave into her.. To my everything I had. She took it away. I trusted her! I can never do that in a so deep way again.

So.. school tomorrow.. I really don't want to...

It's late and I am awake

The title is kinda poetic :D.

Acutally there is nothing to laugh about. I am pretty worried but I can't tell you yet why... If it all has passed then I will.

So.. April huh? I have much to do in this month. I have plans for almost every weekend already and also mid- weeks beside school. Wow... it's going to be awesome.
I'll keep you posted.

Damn. I sit here this window opened for like a half an hour already but I don't have any ideas to write. :D Well.. I should go to bed then.

Heh...
And off I go!

Coolio!

Hmm.. I have read those horoscopes which generalise what person you should be. I usually don't believe them, though some things go right.
Like the fact that I am a caring person and start to trust damn fast and that I am romantic and I like comfiness... :D That's very true.
But the fact that I'd value money or stuff like that in my life most that is terribly wrong.
And I really don't know how to react to a statement that I should be very woman- like... :D That should stay for others to say (and I still like to make my own english words ;)).

Anyway.. I just read that to me suits the best to work alone because I like to make decisions myself (that's true) and the most suitable job would be an actress or a singer.
I would go for the last one because I love music and singing.. as you probably have noticed :D.

It is a bit amazing how some of the things are so true which they say... Still, I don't believe in them because most of the things go wrong about me :D. Maybe then I am not normal (which is kinda likely true xD) or then I was born at a wrong time o.0....