Ding-dong

It's Sunday and I am at home! Yay! :D Anyway.. a lookback at the week.

Well... so.. It was the test marathon. There were some changes in the schedule. Had no tests on Monday, Tuesday, then two on Wednesday, none on Thursday and one on Friday. Some got cancelled. Why not. :D Suits to me.

So... My presentation and essay went good. Got A's for both.. I think.. At least for essay I did. :D
And on Tuesday I made a sin. I went to a friends place and had a party there.. Damn :D. But it was okay to be in school. Not like for my friend :D He was pretty messed up.
And on Thursday I was with that friend again! We were at her country cottage and just talked 'til 4 am. :D She is a nice girl We have a lot in common.
But Friday at school.. Only two hours of sleep. I slept in the first and two last lessons. And when I came home I slept in front of the TV for about.. an hour. :D Mom looked me a bit weird. But who cares. :D
And I didn't have to go to Tartu today! Yay! My school starts at 10 tomorrow so I have time to go to Tartu tomorrow morning. That's more how I like it. ;)
And I can come home on Thursday.. :D 'Cause I have Friday free and I probably will visit my old school. I talked with my old schoolmate today.. :D Made me think about it again.

Anyway... Weekend was fun :D. Me and dad mowed the lawn AGAIN :D. But today I could live my anger and all energy out on our old sauna. :D I faced it with my two bare hands and teared it down :D. A strong countryside girl I am :D.

Anyway.. I should go to bed soon.. Must wake early tomorrow still.


Peace out homedogs!

A new week starts

A new week starts but first, about the one which passed.

Well.. the most important is that in the end of the week I was able to rise my mood so high up. On Monday and Tuesday I was very depressed but then... I got over it. :D
On Friday I had that spring concert. For that we practiced and practiced the whole week long... -.- Got a bit annoying but the concert was ass kicking. :D
Even my mother, who usually criticises everything I do said that it was a good one. ;)

So... in the evening I went home.. I was so tired. I came home, ate a bit and went to sleep and slept over 12 hours. :D That's much for me. I usually sleep a few...maybe 7 hours max. :D So... I woke up, ate and then me and dad went to mow the lawn again! It didn't love me... The machine died out all the time and I don't know why but I wasn't able to get it back to work. :D
So.. we still managed... and today we went to Türi to my grandparents place. We woke up early for that.... It's over 100 km one way... we were there about half 11 so... :D and about an hour ago I reached Tartu finally again. I am tired, very tired but all what remains of this weekened are only good memories. I didn't let the bad emotions take me over. I feel good and I try to remain that way. :)

So this week... Busy busy busy one. Tomorrow... I wont have any tests because they were delayed to Friday.. On Tuesday I have an essay and English presentation, Wednesday German test, Thursday chemistry and on Friday then media and history tests. Then I am done with that one but the next week of the next week (doesn't make much sense xD) will be an "awesome" one too. :D Good luck for me!
But I can do it. It's so few left 'til summer so.. I live in the hope of that.


Enough for this time I think...

Hey!

I just wanted to say that I am not giving up. At this moment I feel some strenght in me and I feel like leaving all this shit behind.

I made something yesterday night. I was reminding me my past and I repeated it a little.
My tears were mixed with blood but now I give a promise: I will never do that again on purpose of hurting and freeing myself through that. It's not right and it's in the past now.
As these 4 cuts heal I will give my very best to heal aswell.
So when they are gone I should feel even more okay.

I am not giving up (though I know that I have these moments often but then again at some moment I break). This time I am taking some means and matters to help myself achieve that. Life is still worth living as I realized today at home, at countryside in my parents home. I LOVE this place.

I've spent the whole day with my male- family (dad and brother). It was warm and we went outside. Me and dad worked... Like back in the old days. Though I know that nothings the same anymore and I can't do anything to get these good old days back but I can make the best out of the days I live in now.

That's a promise I give myself: I will fight until I crack or die! I wont give up so easily anymore. And all these truns I've tried to do something with myself are past now. I wont think that way again. It's over. I can survive without pills, I have my own life and it needs living.

I will live again!

I remember the time I knew what happiness is

Ahhhh..... sweet words from a beautiful song (look at the title)... and they're true.

Haven't written long and haven't written in english. Going to make things right.

Acutally... I don't have much to say... Life sucks in my point of view. I'd maybe like to leave from this...  And they said I may not think that way. What can I do?

My antidepressant cure is over and they didn't work much. At least I don't feel any changes...
Damn! I would need some persons suppourt... But I don't know anymore, would they be there for me.

Ok. I'll shut up. Just.. things are not going right again. 

Kantsooni moodi asi

Me paar kirjanduse tundi tagasi pidime kirjutama mingi rüütlikultuuri luule.. Mingi alba või itku või romansi jne...

Täna sain ma võimaluse enda oma ette lugeda. Kuna mulle plaksutati natuke, mõtlesin.. et noh, võiks ju üles panna.

See on jah... natuke isiklik, aga eks see ole iga kirjutaja probleem, et asjad kisuvad kohe vägisi isiklikuks, kui kirjutamiseks läheb.

"Mu elus on isikuid palju
Kui Sa oled alati jääv
Mis teeks ma, kui Sind mul ei oleks
Mina ise ei oleks ju jääv

Mu elus on isikuid palju
Kuid Sa oled alati jääv
Pole paremat päeva mu elus, kui see,
mil kõik hakkas olema jääv

Mu elus on isikuid palju
Kuid Sa oled alati jääv
Oled saanud mu südame osaks
Ning see tunne on alati jääv

Mu elus on isikuid palju
Kuid Sa oled alati jääv
Mu hinge oled Sa päästnud
Mu tänu on igavesti jääv

Mu elus on isikuid palju
Kuid Sa oled alati jääv
Sinu hingele lõpuni toetun
Mu usaldus on igavesti jääv

Mu elus on isikuid palju
Kuid Sa oled alati jääv
Su usaldust korra ma reetsin
Kahju, kuid see polnud jääv

Mu elus on isikuid palju
Kuid Sa olid alati jääv
Koos Sinuga kaob kõik mu ümbert
Ka mina ei ole enam jääv"

Lugesin eile õhtul enne magamaminekut natuke Beierit, mille Kati mulle kinkis. Seal on üks väga hea luuletus, "Ingel". Ma seda siia kirja panema ei hakka. Mõned seda isegi teavad. Ma lugesin selle küünlavalgel laupäeva väga väga varahommikul ette.
Igatahes.. Ma lugesin selle ära ja mul tuli ka mingi asi...

"Miks leian Su taaskord
oma mõtteist?
Miks jälitad mind mu
igal sammul?
Mu maailm on niigi
liialt tühi,
et teada,
et Sind mul ei ole

Taas leian Su
oma mõtteist
Ei saa ma Sinust üle
ega ümber
Üksindust tunda on
liialt tühi
Kuid ma ju tean,
et sind mul ei ole."

P.S: Igatahes mitte nii lähedal kui ma seda sooviks.


Mitte just kõige parem, aga üle pika aja midagi jälle. Mõnus.
Mis mind veel häirib... Ma ei saagi terveks vist. Need tervisejamad, mis mul eelmise aasta detsembris algasid, lähevad sama hooga edasi ilusti. Lahe..
Mul on rämedad valud praegu... Lahe.

Varsti Tartusse.. ei taha, ei viitsi enam.