So here we are

Leaving soon from home from my parents from the countryside... To my home in Tartu... It will be two weeks when I return here.. and then only for the weekend to go back on Sunday.. That all means that it's schooltime again. I am going to miss my little Henry. With this summer we got so close again that we can't be without another... He is my very dearest..

Anyway.. I thought I'd write here something because I don't know when I will get internet to my new apartment... But now, as I am here, I don't know what to write about.. I am somewhat empty, out of thoughts.

Anyway... I should be sleeping by now. I have to wake up at 6 am tomorrow to go to town.. so... See you around sometime.

Feeling the need to...

I am in a weird mood today. I feel the need to tell different things to people. I don't really know where it came from...

It started in the morning already. I was in so many difficulties waking up. I think I layed in my bed at least an hour. A record. Usually I am up in a minute or then spend 10 minutes on that. I was somehow stuck in my head... Thinking about something.. someone.

The whole day seemed somehow weird... And now I have reached that point... I feel like needing to tell everyone how sorry I am because of my mistakes (yet... I wouldn't be me if I wouldn't have them), that I might seems sad and depressed all the time (I just ain't happy here. I have one dream... and when I have it then I am finally satisfied and I am working on it. It just needs some time) and finally how much I care about some people who I won't name here. Everyone knows who they are. I really love you my dears. I can't thank you enough for making me the one I am now. 

I am pretty much out of thoughts. My head is totally empty. That's all I guess then...

Thank you! But the "feeling the need to" will remain in me... And I don't know for how long more.

*

Ma lugesin. Lugesin terve raamatu läbi. Kuid tegelikult jooksid mu silmad lihtsalt üle ridade. Ma ei näinud sõnu. Olid ainult tähed. Millest see raamat siis rääkis? Kas ma sain sealt midagi? Miks ma seda lugesin? Mis mõte sellel oli?

Ja kas mu praegune tegevuski on mingitki moodi mõtekam? Ma kirjutan, kuid kellele? Kes seda loeb? Keda see üldse huvitab? Kuhu ma oma küsimustega tahan jõuda?

Üks küsimus teise teise otsa. See ei ole hea. See muudab niigi keerulise elu veelgi keerulisemaks. Mu pea, olemine, eksistents tundub kuidagi tühi, mõttetu. Kuhu ma oma eluga olen siiani jõudnud? Kes ma olen? Miks ma olen? Kuidas edasi minna kui muud ei ole kui ainult üks suur pettumus?

Või märgib see suur tühjus ja mõistmatus ainult uue "mina" algust? Uue, tugevama, targema? Kellegi targema, kes ei lõhesta end, kes ei ole enam nii rumal, kes enam nii väga hooli? Kellegi, kes võtab elu lihtsamalt?
Elu- mis see "elu" on? Kas see märgibki ainult seda tilpnemist kuskil kolmandas reaalsuses, mille igaüks omale ise välja mõtlema peab?

Elu on üks surnud ring. Sa arvad, et sa oled ühe peatüki oma elus sulgenud kuid mingi hetk on ta tagasi. Küll natuke teistmoodi, teise kujuga, kuid kui peatuda ja mõelda, siis sa tead, et oled selles punktis juba olnud. Ja siis tekib küsimus, mis on selle kõige mõte? Miks me oleme siin, kus me oleme? See on ülim filosoofia, mina selle vastata ei oska. Ma ei leia oma elu põhjustki.

Kuid peatume ja mõtleme. Meil kõigil on ju omad soovid, ootused, unistused. Aga miks mitte elada nende unistuste täitumise nimel? Tagasilöögid on valusad. Võib tekkida soov lõpetada, aga mina leian, et hoolimata kõigest ei tasu loobuda oma unistustest. Olgu nad nii lapsikud kui tahes. Ega teised ei pea teadma. See on midagi minu enda jaoks ja võib- olla üks päev ma näitan, et nad ei ole nii mõttetud ja lapsikud ja ma teen nendega veel suurt tulevikku.

Kuid selleks tuleb näha roppu vaeva. Vaeva, mis vahel tekitab täiesti lootusetu ja tühja tunde. Aga mis on tühjus? Kas tühjust on olemas? Kas kellegi hinges saab olla vaakumit? Kas tühjus pole mitte lihtsalt üks järjekordne tunne? Jas kas mitte tunded ei ole need, mis näitavad, et me oleme elus ja on üks põhjus elamiseks?

Tunded vahelduvad. Pärast tühjust võib tulla rõõm. Kas see pole siis seda kannatust väärt? Kaua ta ikka kestab? Päeva, paar, halvemal juhul kuu?
Tühjusega leppimiseks läheb vaja tohutut empaatiavõimet. Kes meist tahab elada koos negatiivsete tunnetega? Väga lihtne- mitte keegi. Aga need on vältimatud. Kas alati õnnelik inimene on ikka tegelikult õnnelik? Kas ilma negatiivsete tunneteta me jagaks ära, et me oleme õnnelikud? Ei, sest meil ei oleks millegagi võrrelda.

Järeldus: elu täis kannatusi on ka midagi väärt, sest isegi see üürike rõõm, mis tuleb pärast pikka kannatusteaega, võib muuta elu. See võib anda jõudu uued kannatused üle elada, et olla kord kasvõi hetkeks jällegi õnnelik.

Kuid need on kõigest sõnad, mille on kirja pannud keegi täiesti tähtsusetu. Mingi aja pärast unustan ma ise ka need sõnad ja ei näe endiselt mingit põhjust eksisteerimiseks. Kuid ma jään lootma sellele, et kunagi on keegi, kes mulle neid jälle meelde tuletab... Olen see siis kasvõi mina ise.

Ja nüüd saan ma oma sõnade jõul olla mingi aeg rõõmus ja rahulik, kuni seis jälle muutub, kuid ma ei mõtle sellele, see on veel alles ees. Praegu tahan ma elada selles momendis, sest see on tunne, mis on tundmist väärt.

Book of blood

"The dead have highways. Highways which lead to intersections. And when you find yourself at one of these intersections you should stop and you should listen because the dead have stories to tell."

Must love the film and Clive Barker. I can't get over it.

There are things which are done only by night. Like my thoughts of existence (you can think out the other things if you like according to your level of brains and of how ruined you are).
I've been through a lot. Some of you might find that it's nothing and they've seen worse but from my eyes, one shouldn't go through even that much. I've thought of death a lot. Just death as a thing. How does it feel.. I know, I can't feel death but... Still. If I could be a day, an hour or just a minute dead.. That would be a thing to remember.
Life after death... I've been within it. There was something paranormal in my home.
"Paranormal- something scientifically unexplainable."
I wonder what would I be if I die. Where will I be. Will I also linger somewhere between two worlds or am I so keen in life that I stay here also after death and torture the living or I leave... I understand that my being here is over and I am better off from life.

That leads me to another point. A point that how many times have I thought that how much better it would be if I actually would be off... Or if I'd be somewhere else or someone else.

And then I stop and think about the people I love, who I care of and who I long to see again (I just can't get you out of my heart A! you son of a b*tch! I hate you because of that but then again... I love you! I just need to see you again! I'd die for it...). And I realize that I do have a reason to live for. There are some persons who care of me too. If not for me, then for them. I must hang on. If there isn't anything then there still is something. And I am pretty happy with that something.

All I have done is always for the others. I've given all of me on cost that they are fine and happy no matter that it breaks me inside. That it makes me just a plain mask. I am a mask. I always wear it. Someone who means a lot to me told me that there are three of me: one who is positive and happy, one who is always sad and one who seems happy but is sad inside.
I mostly am the third one. I can't be who I am with too many people. With some I am always the first one. With the ones I always feel happy with. The second one is seen rare and only for those who I really trust.
I know where I belong now. This summer has shown me a lot. And I also have learned that I am important too. If not to all of my friends then to some and the most important: I should be important for myself too. And I am becoming more and more important. I am starting to see me. I wont give my life just for everyone but for the ones who really deserve it.

And I really don't know where I wanted to get with this post. I just felt like needing to tell these things to myself. I feel better now but there will always be some marks which will stay reminding me what I have been before, what I am now. The future... who knows.

"Jesus Christ! You are the book of blood. Read it to me!" 

I'm metling into you

Good evening.

Since the 10th my feelings have changed. I am not that selfhating thing anymore but I am just somehow empty inside. Not even empty. Just... calm and I don't really care. I've been like this before too and I am still alive.

At some points I know that I am alive. I am pretty satisfied with my life right now (like I told someone who is becoming special today). I make my own decisions and if there is someone to blame in them then it's only and only me. I actually don't find that I have made so wrong decisions. Some of them have been pretty right ones. At some points of life I don't find them been so good but... I am where I am right now, and I am pretty happy with that.
I also should stop worrying of things which haven't happened yet. I have some bad leanings to always think on the worse script what may be. It's somehow good that I think on what it all might bring to me but I should also see the good sides. My life and decisions might be a bit more  objective.

What have I been up to besides thinking some more stuff for me which would make my life harder?... Hmmm... Last few days I have been working at home. It's a good so said "moment to self" I can say. Like yesterday I mowed the lawn. Even if someone would have liked to get my attention, I wouldn't have heard ;D. Today's work was nice. I am bloody from everywhere again. :D I have some unwanted ability to hurt myself in no matter what I do. :D Don't give a saw in my hand. But I am okay. Really. Only some few sratches.
And from 5th to 8th I was in Võuküla and digged out skeletons xD. I was at the archeological diggings. We didn't find much it was a lot of fun. I miss them all.

So.. It's school soon. About two weeks left.... If I think back at my summer now I am very happy with it. I think that it has been the most interesting and busy summer I have had in my life. :)

Oh... there is one thing more going on... coming up but I can't tell you about just yet ;). I am a bit superstitious xD.

!!!!!

I DON'T WANT TO BE WHAT I AM ANYMORE!

Everything seems to strange, so far away. Nothing is mine anymore. That life which I live is stolen from the others. I am just a plain shadow of what I have been and I reflect everything which one should not be.
Nothing is what it was anymore. I am the reflection of other's lives. I, as a person, as an individual, don't exist. I am taking pieces from other's lives and make them mine. I am a beast.... I shouldn't exist.
Everything seems just too far away.. The life I have wished... The dreams that I've dreamed.

"Nothing left for me that I can't fake".

But what is there left for me..? Nothing... Empty lingering in a more empty life.
My future seems colorful.